Self-esteem II

 Assalamualaikum

Today is the last day of 2021.

I am actually a little surprised that my last post was something about self-esteem because I am here today to write something about MY self-esteem.

Again?

Well, I think I am ending my 2021 with a lower self-esteem that I expected. Not that I expect that I would be low on it. But it just, well, happened that way.

You know, my research project ended quite months ago, and so does my allowance. And my husband's GRA ended earlier than mine. Our study loan also ended. So as of today, we are two people living striving together STILL doing PhD, without any source of income. 

I haven't really get the chance too meet my friends lately. I met two of 'em so far. There were plans, but cancelled at the last minute. Maybe they can't feel the effort from my side? It's okay. I wanted to put more effort. I wanted to meet people. But I refrain, thinking that I don't have the capability to treat people to food, or to buy 'em gifts. Everything needs money. I don't have much personality to offer too. Deep down inside, I kinda feels like I have nothing to offer and I might just waste their time. What is the point of meeting? Krikk krikk krikk. Sigh.

I kinda like the idea of inviting people to my house too. To treat 'em to good food, good entertainment, and maybe comfort. But, to think that they would have to climb up to the fourth floor just to arrive at a very humble home. No proper dining table. No cute kid for people to admire, or to make a playgroup for their kid(s). No toys to keep their children entertained. No bed for guest (because really there's no space for one). And someone told me old people couldn't sleep on just a mattress, that's why they won't come to our house (yeah I know). But we did upgraded our home with a humble two-seater sofa. And that's all.

But last night, I reminded myself to not overthink or beat myself too hard. I have Allah and that's enough. What were written for me, will be mine. What's not, won't. Not only applies to things, but also people/friends. Friends come and go for a purpose, at the right place and the right time.

I am an introvert and prefers to be alone. But I would accept any invitation from people to meet. I never rejected or shy away although deep down inside I AM shy, and always anxious and scared of meeting people, even close friends. And I applause myself for that. For always trying my best to show up :)

I think I've tried my best.

Maybe not? IDK.

p/s: At the end of November, I braved myself to venture into dropship business. I hope at least I could make a little pocket money. The first time I got my commission, it did put a bright smile on me. It felt satisfying. But then it slower down and I haven't got any sale after the third transaction, till today.