Self-esteem

 I always have low self esteem since my tween years, and one thing I crave for is to have more confidence and self-esteem.

During those days, when I see someone so confident, no matter in term of looks or knowledge etc. I may get slightly jealous but also aspired to be just like that. I would whisper to myself something like, "Where did they get that confidence?? Can I buy it from somewhere?"

I want to be like that. I want to be okay with myself. I don't want to always be paranoid with what people think about me to the point that I become too afraid to take any step forward. I want to speak up my thoughts and discuss it if I'm wrong.

I want to be okay with my look as is, so I don't have to keep checking my outfit (because it can get tiring). I'm always aspired to be like those people who can wear their hijab carelessly (kelepet2, sarung indo, etc.) as long as it is comfortable to them, or choose to wear misfit clothes (like odd colour handsocks), but still exude with confidence nonetheless. People may see them as selekeh or plain jane, but I would see them as having high self-esteem that they could be so carefree of what people may think about their looks, because they know they have the 'brain' and the 'heart'. Beauty inside.

Nevertheless, I hate those over-confident people that eventually hurt others or made things difficult for everyone (especially me). Hey keep it balance will ya? That is unnecessarily too much. Do not patronize people with your confidence.

Nowadays, I can say I couldn't care less about what I wear and how I wear my outfit (Is it normal or awkward? Will people see me 'selekeh'? and whatnots). I wear what I feel and what's easy.

But when I see someone too plain, I sometimes think to myself "If only she could wear something more neat than that, or something prettier." and I applaud them when they did occasionally. And now it strikes me, is this why my friend applaud me and make it a big deal whenever I wear something prettier than what I usually wears?

Haha.