Emptiness

I thought I wouldn't write about emptiness anymore.

But I think nowadays it can be translated as when I keep scrolling the social media randomly like I have nothing better to do (BUT I DO!) until I got bored and uninterested with anything on it so I turn it off, but seconds after that I was scrolling again looking for I don't even know what. That's when I realised I am feeling empty inside.

It is like I am trying to fill a jug with water but the jug never get full. Almost like when you drink seawater to quench your thirst, and you will only get thirstier. Wasted time and energy but no outcome. In the end, pain is what you feel. Because of regret and burst out tummy.

Why am I feeling empty when I have so much to be grateful for? It is because I am not being grateful enough, maybe? I am not doing anything to show my gratitude for all that I have. For instance, I got so much time and energy but I wasted it by being lazy and procrastinating. I am comfortable now but I wasted it by not doing my best to make progress. I am an able body, but I did not use it much to help others. I have good people around me but I shy away from them most of the time because of my unnecessary low self-esteem. I may even took some for granted, naudzubillah. 

And the "barakah" slowly creeps away from me. And everything started to feel like nothing. I have time, but it is slipping away without meaning. I got love, but it feels bland. I got money, but it's never enough. I got so much more, but I don't feel happy most of the times. I got physical energy, but emotionally drained. When I have mental energy, I feel tired all the time. I feel weak.

Heedlessness. Lalai. Alpa. Leka.

Sinful.

It is more painful when you knows, but you still lose to your Nafs.

Nights end. Days renew. Time won't stop. Moments won't come back.

May Allah forgive me.