Tumor

6 Feb 2026

Bangun dengan perasaan moody, sad, melancholic entah kenapa. Yes, I had loads in my mind and my body is aching so much. Harini ada appointment dekat KK Bangi jam 10.30 am sebab lutut dah sakit tahap suspicious. I need answers. Drove to Zus 3 sementara tunggu pukul 10. Drank latte and listened to Natalie's Torn on loop to add on my sadness. Bad move apparently. Jam 10 I drove to KK. Once I walked into the building, suddenly I burst out. Tears falling non-stop even without thinking anything. Jenuh tarik hembus nafas nak bagi stop nangis. By the time triage call, dah boleh stop nangis. Tapi bila BP tinggi, nurse tanya "Ada stress ke?" Terus air mata bercucuran balik. Allahu since then I can't stop at all. Terus nurse suruh isi borang stress test.

Masuk jumpa doc, doc check pass x-ray dia kata nampak 'something' and suruh buat x-ray baru. Off I went to the x-ray. Dah stop kejap air mata tapi masih sekali sekala bergenang. Masuk balik bilik doc, doctors in there macam tengah discuss. Another doc saw me and said "Dah tak boleh jalan dah eh. Kesiannya. Sakit ya?" Allahu terus deras balik air mata. My doc terus cakap "Saya belum cerita lagi awak dah nangis." and dia sambung 

"Ok so, ini ketumbuhan ya. Memang kena refer ke ortho"

"Is it cancerous?"

"Itu kena tanya ortho. Saya tak boleh jawab. Saya buat surat, nanti cepat2 hantar ke Serdang"

After some explaination, doc tanya pulak 

"Masih nak buat ke stress test ni? Saya rasa awak stress sebab sakit lutut ni je."

"Nak doctor"

After the test, she referred me to a counselor.

11 Feb 2026

Harini appointment ortho dekat Serdang. Tunggu dari jam 9 sampai jam 12 pm baru dapat jumpa doc. After dia check history and simptom, dia tak hesitate terus suspect kanser. Panggil doc pakar, dan doc pakar pun refer terus ke oncology HUKM. Awalnya nak suruh terus warded tapi pakar dekat HUKM tak free only until CNY. So dapatlah sambut CNY dulu. Yang letihnya, akan ada 2 hari yang double appointment in different places (Mine and ibu's). Setel ambik darah, ambik result x-ray & referral letter, dah habis waktu keje. Apa keje pun tak sempat.

Malam, ayah maklumkan hasil CT Scan mak harini (mak warded dekat KPJ Shah Alam since semalam dan harini CT Scan). Doc kata cancer yang duduk dekat dengan liver tu dah reputkan tulang. Cancer mak dah jadi stage 4 balik. 

I kinda cannot process anything right now. I am numb. I am more sad thinking that I am running out of time with my mak.

Teman nudin ke Zus sekarang ni sebab dia pun tak dapat buat apa keje siang tadi. So here I am writing this entry. For memories sake.

Till then.

P/S: Since my childhood, sometimes when I think about how I would die, at the back of my head there was a feeling I'd die of cancer. It doesn't even form as a thought. Just a very faint feeling, like breathing.