IS PROCRASTINATING A MENTAL DISORDER? (NOT ANSWERED)

 Bismillah

Assalamualaikum.

I've definitely lost track of everything. My life's a mess.

Well, I even lost my knack for writing. I used to write passionately, almost always a few times a day. Wow. I must say I had the luxury of time back then. Or is it all about barakah? Yep I believe it's the latter.

Anyway, I'm back at here because, I just feel like it. I want to write something. Something that I no longer remember what it is as soon as I arrived here. Welp. So I'm gonna write whatever comes to mind.

We are, globally, still on the Covid pandemic era. Malaysia is currently on "total" lockdown or PKP 3.0. Being housebound is good. It's like a dream come true for introverts like me. But, it is definitely taking a toll on relationships. Not seeing friends, (extended) families, acquaintances face to face, no hugs, no warm touches. The closeness are dwindling a little each day. People are busy minding their own life challenges. Some keep it to themselves even more and stays shut behind close doors. Everyone feels more and more like strangers now.

I am currently living in Perak with my mother in law, the one I called 'ibu', since Abah passed on. It will be exactly 5 months tomorrow. Life is, well, technically good. I got roof over my head, food on my table without fail, my other half by my side, duas from my parents, comfortable bed, internet, pc, aircond.. so many things I should be very thankful for. Alhamdulillah.

You know, I grew up dreaming of settling down in Perak, working in Perak, building a family in Perak. Whenever I go back to Perak (Ayah's hometown) during eid, it felt close to my heart. There was an inexplicable peaceful feeling about it and admiration towards it. It's like my own hometown that I never knew. I don't really know how to describe it. Plus, I love the lower living cost (compared to Selangor) back then.

But now, I am an adult in my early 30s, struggling with my fair share of life challenges. After about 3 months living in Perak, added up with the current movement restrictions, I found deep down in my heart, a yearning to go back to the place I grew up, to the place where my family is. I want to mingle with my Shah Alam folks whenever, wherever, like we used to. Visiting places that are laden with my childhood memories. No. Not just on a weekend, not just for a few days, I want to live in it, on an everyday basis, like a Shah Alam resident once again. Like I belong there. I feel like settling down in Shah Alam more than anywhere else now. I want to live close to my family. Thinking of my hometown, tears would come rolling down before I realized it. I am HOMESICK!

I am not complaining or ranting. I am just trying to be raw and honest with my feelings and just let it out without the fear of being misunderstood, or misjudged.

I am currently working from home, honestly struggling to write up my research into a LEGIT THESIS. Yep, I am still pursuing my PhD. Well, maybe most of the time I am NOT really pursuing. More often than not, I woke up and chose to procrastinate. I refused to think about it. I keep choosing distractions over really pursuing my PhD. Sometimes I just numb myself. I don't know if this is called giving up, or burnt out, or just plainly being lazy. Because I don't really feel like I gave up. I'm just numb. I want to finish my thesis. I want to make it happened. But my body is not following. I am reluctant on writing, almost everyday. I would think of something related to my research then I stares at the wall.. or an idea sparks, then it died prematurely. And then, I simply proceed to doing Sudoku, or playing games, or scrolling social media, distracting myself even further. Maybe because it's easier?

People told me maybe I need rest, but I think that's the only thing I am doing right now for almost 1 year? 2 years? They also suggested that maybe I need to take things easy, but I feel like I am taking things too sinfully easy.

IS PROCRASTINATING A MENTAL DISORDER?

I am not trying to justify. I'm just, feeling helpless. I am leading a sinful life Astaghfirullah.

Thank god I am not hopeless because I have Allah.

Oh Allah The Most Merciful, Help Me!