Ranting. Pokok.

Bismillah and Assalamualaikum.

I know, salah sendiri, kelemahan sendiri that I haven't gain much or get any permanent paying job yet since dah habis master for quite some times. Tahu diri belum work harder, or do anything beyond my comfort zone or anything like that lagi. Each day, bangun tidur dengan azam nak buat lebih baik. Walau tak nampak di mata orang tapi ada, in the mean time, in my own level yang sangat2 la picisan. Teruk. Rasa diri teruk. And with each new day, I feel less lively than before. Mungkin sebab demam 3 hari ni jugak. Hmm.. Alasan much?

Sebenarnya, stress. Dah start stress bila orang tanya2

"So, sekarang buat apa?"

"So, dah carik keje?"

"Dah keje?

"Keje kat mana?

"So dah mintak kat mana dah?"

"Mintak la kat sana/sini/situ"

"Tak mintak ke??"

"Tak follow up ke?"

"Marine kerja apa? Macam mana? Kat mana?"

"Awak taknak ke kerja lecturer?"

"Mintak la jadi lecturer."

"Taknak ke kerja macam ni/macam tu?"

"Kenapa tak mintak sini/situ?"

"Kenapa tak keje lagi"

"Kenapa? Kenapa? Kenapa?"

Stress sebab dah sampai at a point where I don't know anymore. Everthing dah blurry. Jalan makin pudar. Makin confuse. Makin tak tahu nak apa, patut nak apa, patut buat apa, macam mana.

Faham tak? Faham tak?

I didn't bug you people, bila korang2 menganggur or study tak habis2. There's a reason why I chose not to bug you with questions like that. 

Sigh. Sebenarnya tahu bukan salah orang bertanya. Orang tanya sebab orang CARE. Eventho the way I define care is very different from the rest of the world, I am aware of that fact. Saya tak duduk kat bulan mencermin diri saje. Sebenarnya TAHU and SEDAR, lagi orang tanya lagi bagus. BAGUS. Bagi sedar diri tu bangkit tinggi2 lagi. Jangan malas2 or putus asa. Berusaha kuat lagi untuk bagi mampu nak jawab soalan2 tu. Belajar keluar dari comfort zone tu. Cabar diri sendiri.

I APPRECIATE sebenarnya you people asking those questions. It proves that people still realize my existence. Tak biar ko dok sorang2, lu pikir la sendiri nak hidup macam mana. It's healthy, tukar2 pendapat and perancangan. My lifestyle right now is not so healthy (the blame is on me sebenarnya). Stress is good. Stress is good. Stress is good.

OK HERE NOW, I am not totally menganggur actually, but I will be very soooon, naudzubillah..

Sekarang tangah buat keje Research Assistant, which I was paid only for 30 days. Kerjanya merangkumi 5 paper/journal, sekarang ada lagi 2 paper nak disiapkan. Selagi tak siap, tak lepas dari cengkaman kerja ini walaupun tempoh 30 days itu sudah berlalu. But it is good enough that I only required to work at home. So tak kisahlah 30 days tu nak kira macam mana. Ko tu yang tak siapkan kerja lagi. Walaupun memang lecturer tu ada tambah kerja midway menyiapkan 5 paper ni. That's why panggil cengkaman. Hi hi hi.

Sebenarnya saje nak melepaskan segala yang terbuku, but marilah teruskan bertanya. Don't shy away. Tanyalah. Tanyalah lagi. I will try my best to answer, given my mood is better. Right now my health is not so good, hence the bad mood, hence the bad attitude. Need I explain more? Wait for me will you? Whoever you might be.. Eh ni kira tarik tali ke? huahuahua~